me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
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Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
just witnessed a drug deal
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]