Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
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The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure