Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
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Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea