Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
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Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.