One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
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I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?