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Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.