lmao
You Might Also Like
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
do horses think humans are hats
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Natty or not?
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”