lost dog
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Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.