Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
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Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I love you…
…r dog.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
why no one uses midhusbands
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.