…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
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Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.