if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
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I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Guy who likes music
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives