Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
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When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown