someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
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K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Teach your children to beatbox
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.