My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
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my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Only a mother’s love …
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.