All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
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After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.