DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
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The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
😅🤣😂
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation