I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
You Might Also Like
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL