“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
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Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Breaking news:
You are not alone 💚
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?