ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
You Might Also Like
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Just a reminder, folks:
Not all heroes wear capes…
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Saturday
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
what the
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.