Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
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*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
british sex workers really pound for pound
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]