haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
You Might Also Like
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.