So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
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ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.