Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
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Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
lost dog
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
dutch is not a serious language
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.