as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
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Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.