I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
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COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
The happy life.. 😊
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for