satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
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[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.