If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
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Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Before & after 😅
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)