My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
You Might Also Like
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are