Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
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The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth