*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
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quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
How it started How it’s going
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.