My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
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A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??