Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
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First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.