Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
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i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
smh
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.