New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
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My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Thursday Thought.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away