Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
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They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn