We found love in a hopeless place.
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ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Very good! 👍😂
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
sistine chapel
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
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