Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
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I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
The news in a nutshell.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Oh thanks BBC.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.