Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
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The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
reminder
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke