Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
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-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters