Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
You Might Also Like
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
A wise man once said nothing.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?