If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
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When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.