Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
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Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
remember
only for emergencies
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott