The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
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“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
notice
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Brother?
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*