Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
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I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
very niche meme I made
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor