Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
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Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
@funTweeters
Noah
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”