“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
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Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
yeah 😭
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.