ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
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The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Holy moly
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.