There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
You Might Also Like
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
$4 #usedbooks
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.