me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
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I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up