No good deed goes unposted on social media.
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interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator